Friday, September 26, 2008

Oh How I Lament Thee!

I couldn't see you until today. For three days you had vanished. My computer wouldn't allow me to find you. I eventually asked the newest edition to my world, the one person I simultaneously do and don't want you to meet, to look for you - to confirm you were still out there, somewhere - and thank God you were!

Today you allowed me to find you, once the need for a furious tapping of keys was desperately required and so long overdue. The very same day that I sat in my counsellors office, and thought that not only had I allowed myself to become lost in transition, that I had left myself with absolutely no record from whence I came.

Perhaps, you chose not to show yourself, to make me see the error of my ways, and my dear friend, oh how it worked! How fragile you became in those few days when you were audibly missing. How casually I had treated you previously. You scared me - no, I scared myself; that I could have lost all of you, you in your entirety, to my casual lack of regard for your very existence. I hadn't realised what you had become, what you stand for and what you will show to me later. The path that you have walked with me and the hours that we have spent talking - I more than you admittedly - and the changes and patterns and thoughts that one day, I shall hopefully look back upon and say: "... look at what I survived" with some sincerity of pride and, I would imagine, incredulous belief.

It happened once before, with your sister story. She nearly left me once too - again, "NO! I nearly lost her!"... to a casual lack of workmanship that I am startled to admit I own. She, 265 posts - you: 132. An achievement (of mine) not to be sniffed at, but yet here I am again, sniffing at you as if I have the most severest of nasal outpourings!

"Take care" I say to my lackluster and erstwhile self. "Back up and learn from your tomfoolery!"

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