Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Am Very Heroic

As my tonsils are trying to extract themselves via my ears today, amongst other things that are often associated with traumas of the heart - I have spent most of this morning in B E D. I am now up, and have officially broken into the winter woolies by wearing a rather fashionable ensemble, of black woolen polo neck jumper, grey cardigan and some kind of interesting head garb. I hate my hair - so instead of hacking it off at the roots, it is hidden under a scarf. I think I might have, (inadvertently) made myself look more like a 'sick person' than ever in doing so.

I have cried so much over the past few days that I have given myself a bloodshot eye. It adds to the whole 'look' I'm going for right now. I am being very heroic. In my head. Just at this moment. This one right here...

I am now going to try to make bread and butter pudding and a coffee table. In that order. Active chores keep your mind off things.

Bickety Back, Peek Through The Crack - II

Big Lessons in Lyfe, Number 3,465 - Pissing Into the Wind of Fledgling Love: Sunday, September 28, 2008 - 1:21 AM

Bickety Back, Peek Through The Crack

Nothing is making sense, everything I write, or try to write feels mundane and awkward; so I'm going back. Bickety back. I am rooting through the files and papers and lists and words I have written since moving on July 17, 2008 - picking them up and putting them to where they should be. Maybe then I'll remember how and why I got to here.

I'm adding a note about the post and a link to the post so I can see it in context. I won't create a new, old post, I think that might make my head explode - for that, I'll work out some other long, convoluted manner to achieve (in)consistent archiving. Perhaps. Or I may just write a list.

This'll bloody teach me to leave shit all over the place without finishing anything. All this journalistic mayhem shows how disorganised things have been since moving how utterly 'random', I have felt and the confusion through which I am trying to make my brain cooperate through, every day. (My increased meds have brought back my brain fog, which is annoying because my brain wants to play now - it doesn't want to dribble and loaf)

And so to bed, hopefully:
General musings about WTF I am doing: Sunday, September 7, 2008 - 4:20AM
Quitting Online Dating - for good: Monday, August 8, 2008 - 8:27PM

Monday, September 29, 2008

Four Days of Sadness

I'm sad. And 'emotionally' sad, not 'tragically' so.

I was sad today, and yesterday and the day before that. And even the day before that. Four days of definite sadness, with the distinct possibility that there have been more. I know there have been.

I didn't expect to be sad until four days ago. Then I suspected that I might be. Unfortunately I was right.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Never Eye, Need To Sleep

Q: How many times do you find someone that leaves their cereal soaking, until it becomes mush, before eating it - just like you do?

A: Not many I can tell you. It's never happened in all my thirty-one years. Until very recently. Like, two-ish months ago, recently.

Q: How many times do you find yourself telling that very same (same as you) person, that you are walking away because you have to?

A: Never. Until yesterday, at about 3:00PM.

Yesterday morning, (Saturday, 27 September 2008) when I woke up - I was seeing someone, life was pretty OK(ish). I had battered through laundry loads and four sinks full of dishes 'till gone four the night/morning (?) before, and my house was getting ready to be shaken, limb from limb in my quest to reclaim inhabitable space from my clutter.

Not even twenty-four hours later, I am single again. I am tear-stained, swollen, numb and quite possibly, heart-battered, sat amidst the clutter of partially moved furniture. I've taken valium and a sleeping pill and now eye, just need to sleep. The bed? Shoved up tight against a wall, of course. It was the first piece of furniture to get moved.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Oh How I Lament Thee!

I couldn't see you until today. For three days you had vanished. My computer wouldn't allow me to find you. I eventually asked the newest edition to my world, the one person I simultaneously do and don't want you to meet, to look for you - to confirm you were still out there, somewhere - and thank God you were!

Today you allowed me to find you, once the need for a furious tapping of keys was desperately required and so long overdue. The very same day that I sat in my counsellors office, and thought that not only had I allowed myself to become lost in transition, that I had left myself with absolutely no record from whence I came.

Perhaps, you chose not to show yourself, to make me see the error of my ways, and my dear friend, oh how it worked! How fragile you became in those few days when you were audibly missing. How casually I had treated you previously. You scared me - no, I scared myself; that I could have lost all of you, you in your entirety, to my casual lack of regard for your very existence. I hadn't realised what you had become, what you stand for and what you will show to me later. The path that you have walked with me and the hours that we have spent talking - I more than you admittedly - and the changes and patterns and thoughts that one day, I shall hopefully look back upon and say: "... look at what I survived" with some sincerity of pride and, I would imagine, incredulous belief.

It happened once before, with your sister story. She nearly left me once too - again, "NO! I nearly lost her!"... to a casual lack of workmanship that I am startled to admit I own. She, 265 posts - you: 132. An achievement (of mine) not to be sniffed at, but yet here I am again, sniffing at you as if I have the most severest of nasal outpourings!

"Take care" I say to my lackluster and erstwhile self. "Back up and learn from your tomfoolery!"

Friday, September 19, 2008

After Days Like Today

I sometimes wonder if I am still breathing. Perhaps I'm already gone and I just haven't worked it out yet?

I could be like one of the children, stuck between two worlds, in Limbo. There certainly isn't any light where I am.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


There’s something in old and new worlds colliding.

My family.

Things are a changing. Chain gang. The old gang. Mothers and fathers and wives and their lovers. We’re all still here but one of us – none of us is quite the same? I am not - no, siree – my lot’s changing as quick as can be. I struggle to know through the here and the now, what shall become – what, why when and how.

One hundred and twenty-nine posts in, and at 4:27AM, I am finally questioning the title of this blog and what exactly it means.